Category Archives: Soul Mate

In Them I Found (Poetry by Damali Rose Xion)

I found my life partner

In between being

abused and being worshipped I found that I want or need neither.

I was searching for her all along, and him, and them

It all fit.

I put it together early on that I was queer

In the midst of friendships there was something

That fit so right here

I just loved

being close

holding

kissing

My friends were more in every sense of the word

and I discovered a deep well of love and what didn’t belong

and I don’t have to explain that to

you

-Damali Rose Xion

 

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Te Amo Mas Que – Poetry by Damali Rose Xion

Te Amo Mas Que

said Shange

I loved you more than I knew how

You had to teach me

But I was a fast learner

I used to watch you sleep and when you wrapped your arms around me

I wanted it to be forever

I knew when I boarded that plane that you would never join me here

Our listening ears were never meant to work

together

Joy and Splendor

met with betrayal on a sunny day and planned their escape

Nothing personal.

Healing work for you eclipsed any of what we could have been and denial of

Queerness left me feeling alone

He mistreated you and I witnessed what you couldn’t let me give

For real.

Truth.

“I know you”

that’s what I said when I first met you

I knew that we had met before and that we were game changers

Rule breakers

Heart makers

of a different kind

When I fell in love with you

I don’t think ill of the day you left

You gave me so much but really all I wanted was for you to

Come

Back

To

Me

Be whole with me

Stepping Out of the Box: Meditations on Love and Labels

Hey Speakerz! Wow! Some weeks go by quickly, others go by slowly. Really, what difference does it make, if any? Time is relative. Daylight saving. This week’s post is about the different kinds of love we can and do surround ourselves with. Let’s dive in!

We’ve established what it is to identify as Queer, now let’s think even more out of the box. Why? Well, because growth is stepping out of the box, pulling ourselves up and out of our comfort zones. Also, I realize that while the visibility for Queer black women is growing, so  too must the visibility for those of us who love differently in so very many ways. From the time that we as human beings are born, we are taught that there is a Prince Charming. Well, you can imagine the shock when you start being attracted to people and realize that Prince Charming could be either Prince or Princess or none of the above. Beyond that, they’re not actually royalty. There are no grand titles. So, Prince and Princess have the reality of being, a human being, possibly devoid of gender identity. Whoof! Glad we got through that! I get to be comfortable now right? Wrong!

I begin the dating process, and I realize that maybe what’s best is to find myself. I do a lot of self love, I dedicate myself to the movement. “I must be a forward thinker in all aspects.” No, I don’t live as a desexualized being, but I become much more choosy about who, where, why and how. Through this process, I learn that maybe monogamy in it’s traditional sense, isn’t what works for me. The classic, one man, one woman is already thrown out, so why not keep the broad?

I begin to engage with multiple identities with one common thread: Communication & Honesty. While doing this, I may find that there are other people who identify as I do! It’s called Polyamory! But then, I find multiple definitions and settings that only serve to make me more confused. So I defy the label. I live outside of it. I keep the thread of Communication & Honesty and leave the name somewhere in the wind as I run and jump in a meadow of acceptance. This cheesy dreamland is where I find myself.

Most people don’t understand the concept of loving more than one person openly, but it’s what we’re wired for. Why do we choose to live in a world of staunch monogamy? What if the “person of our dreams” is really ourselves and 10 additional people are our companions? They help guide us through life, they facilitate in our romantic development, they aid in communication improvement. Can that be enough?

Maybe the question isn’t if that can be enough, but how do we let love in? Every day, human beings choose to fight the programming and conditioning of thousands of years of expectation. We are expected as Americans in society to do certain things. Going against that reality requires a pioneering spirit. But let’s think critically. How many relationships end yearly because of “cheating”, which is really just code for lying? Too many. So what if the fear of rejection is gone and we’re openly allowed to discuss such taboo things as attraction to another human being? An open stream of communication allows for me to live freely and still have love in my life. It is possible to have my cake and eat it too! It just requires maturity of spirit. Why is this taboo again?

It would seem that fear navigates so much of our movement throughout this world. Unnecessary fear. It’s false. I don’t need or want it. So I simply discard it along with all the negativity and lower vibrational operations that the rest of the world wants me to pick up and carry. But hold on, we’re not finished!

Well, what about the people who are truly monogamous? I’m not saying that everyone should pick up the banner of multiple loving and storm through requiring that we all do the same. But what about just accepting the multiple and monogamous options? We should love, how we love. Be who we are. Wholly. Step out of our comfort zone and establish a being, human or otherwise.

The thing about love is that it’s expansive and never-ending. It doesn’t only filter in romantic or sexual relationships. What about the strong ties of friendship and sisterhood, brotherhood, etc. We have a very narrow scope of what those are and yet the love that they evoke can be so expansive. But without knowledge of self, how can we engage through all the rest? Through all the talk of attraction to others, how do we establish attraction with the self, the spirit absent of the ego? Human development is established in the Ego and the Spirit. The ego, is the truly human part of ourselves. It guards the petty, the self conscious, the prideful, etc. The spirit is the elevated state of ourselves. How can we filter between the two unless we know the two? Here we go with the Self Love mush.

Self love is really the fact that I know myself, I spend time with myself and I love who it is that I’ve found. Do I deserve to be alone and stranded because I’m not perfect? Certainly not! I deserve to be alone and full, complete, whole. Human beings are flawed and will continue to be. Knowing myself, loving myself, means that I can take accountability for myself and my actions. All of this is imperative in loving relationships with others. “Monogamous Heaven” as I like to call the expectation from society, leaves this part out. In “Monogamous Heaven” we wait for someone and we live happily ever after. But it’s a lie. That isn’t life. Life is constant work. Different types of work. We work on ourselves spiritually. We work on our career. We work on our communication. We work on maintaining the balance. The better we embrace it, the more ready we are for a life of adventure, acceptance, and yes…love.

Love Always,

Damali Speaks Xx

My Personal Shopping List: Meditations on Partnership & Master Plans

Hey Faithful Blogosphere! I can’t believe that it’s been a week already! Let’s see, we’ve made it through a snow storm here in New York City, I’ve made a lot of clothes and artwork for the week and had many good talks and tea. Let’s get to our topic! This week’s topic came pretty abruptly, as I had no idea what my topic would be until it jumped out at me as it usually does, screaming “Write about me!” and I happily do so. This week is about the shopping list of life and what we choose to put on it. Let’s dive in!

Every time I go food shopping, I make a shopping list. As a Vegetarian/Vegan who is madly in love with Trader Joe’s, I’ve learned to pick and choose where to get things and how, etc. Now if I didn’t make a shopping list, I would wind up spending way more money than I currently possess and bringing home food that I probably wouldn’t even want to eat or get to eat before it spoils. The list helps me stay healthy, keep my head on straight and keep my wits about me. Now, if I see something in the store that’s not on the list, I weigh the pros and cons of going off list and decide from there. Needless to say, food shopping is something I live and love to love. I love food.

I mention this food shopping list because it’s a metaphor and practice, as so many things are. It helps me to stay truly mindful about what I spend my money on as well as what I put in my body, etc. In life, we all have our shopping lists. Maybe on our list is a well paying job, a partner and a few children, or trips to Bali, tons of wine, great sex, etc. What’s on your shopping list for your life? This is where the programming comes in. As socialized genders on the planet, specifically in the United States, we are consistently shown images that project a list that we SHOULD want. As men and women we SHOULD want a well paying job, a partner, a house, a child or two, etc. But what if you decide for yourself what goes on your list? I’m not saying that you should NOT want those things, but what if you’re someone who doesn’t want those specific things in that specific order or even at all? What if as you go shopping, meat isn’t even on the list at all? What then? How do we decide who we are and how we engage with the world around us given the level of expectation placed on our life lists looking a certain way?

I most recently sat with an elder of mine and she asked me with a cute smile on her face if I had a “boyfriend”. Usually, I would feel annoyed at the question, but something in the way she asked it had me stop and actually think. I don’t have a “boyfriend” and I realized then and there that I didn’t want one. I didn’t want a “partner” in the conventional sense. I didn’t and I currently don’t, and maybe I never have. Maybe what I wanted was to have a list that seemed to look “normal”. Needless to say, I replied with surprise, “You know, that’s not on my shopping list.” She smiled back at me and answered “That’s because you haven’t found the right one.” This made me think even more. What was the “right one” if the timing was “wrong” or “right”? I know from experience that relationships without laser focus can lead to life-ache as well as heartache. So, regardless of me finding the “right one” or not, it leads me to a bigger question. Why is it that a romantic relationship has to be on my shopping list? Who told me that I wanted that and why? Don’t I get the option to say no without ridicule?

I personally am not a “relationship” woman. I spent my whole life, trying to put “boyfriends” and “girlfriends” on my shopping list when I should’ve weighed the pros and cons and taken a good look at what WAS on my shopping list! Loving me wholeheartedly while exploring my alone is on my shopping list. Building my brand is on my shopping list. Writing plays, this blog, my youtube channel, is all on my shopping list. That’s a lot to manage and as I’m learning and growing, I’m cultivating myself and my soul. So the questions that I truly want answered, have nothing to do with romance. What I want to know are things like: How do we as human beings cultivate from the things that are on our shopping lists?

It is true that human beings learn from other human beings, but we also learn from ourselves. If we don’t take the time to know who we are and just what’s on our list, how can we hope to make a difference in this world? Ultimately, isn’t that why we’re here? We’re here to make a difference. We’re here to love and heal and learn and grow and to then return to the source? Maybe I should just check my shopping list and get back to you on it.

 

Love Always,

 

Damali Speaks Xx

When The Underworld Offers You Food & Drink: Meditations on Vibrations

Hello Blogosphere! Wow. I can’t believe that a week has gone by so very fast! In all the flurries of life, I almost forgot the “holiday season”. I don’t celebrate at all. I haven’t made a holiday phone call or bought gifts for about 2 or so years. I think of the “holidays” as purely for commercial purposes. A time to get lost in the flurry of the wrong vibrations, so as to not focus and cultivate the powerful vibrations present at this time of year. But I’m getting so far ahead of myself. Let’s go back and start at the top.

When I was little, I developed an obsession with Greek mythology, in particular the story of Persephone. Persephone was the daughter of the Goddess of Spring, Demeter. Persephone is tricked into going into the Underworld by Hades, ruler of the very same domain. There are many ways to tell the story but my favorite was the trick of food and drink. The trick is not to eat anything or drink anything when one is in the Underworld. If you refuse the sustenance, you can leave, relatively untouched. If you eat or drink of the Underworld, the Underworld owns your soul. Persephone ate and drank while in the Underworld and Hades married her and kept her there during the winter months, while during the Spring and Summer, she was allowed to return to her mother. I remember when my mom would say, “Be careful who you eat and drink with. Only break bread with those who wish you well.” I always remembered that. There are so many moments in life where our gut tells us one thing and we know damn well that we shouldn’t do it, yet we go right on ahead. I know that Persephone’s gut intuition must’ve said, “Girl! Don’t eat that food!” and yet she trusted so much that people wouldn’t hurt her, that she ate it to her own detriment. Why don’t we follow what we know to be true? Why is it so simple that we make it hard?

Trust. Trust is one of those things that takes years to build up and can all be destroyed in 30 seconds or less. Yet, we have to go through life with even just a small amount of trust, right? I trust that my car won’t break down. I trust that this food is going to sustain me and not make me ill. I trust that I can hop in my car and drive to the beach without getting killed on the way there.  But what about when that trust is shattered? Is our existence at stake? How do we take stock of who we are when trust has been compromised?

My mother used to always tell me to “trust vibrations” because “they never lie”. She would say that people can hide their motives, they can hide their real feelings but “vibrations” can never be manipulated. If we go back to science, we and everything on this planet is made up of energy. We come from energy, we return to energy and with this energy, comes a certain vibration. It isn’t good or bad, it just is. Low vibrations tend to make us operate at a lower frequency and exist solely on one plane of essence. We eat, we sleep, we go through the motions. Higher vibrations help us to elevate. We run, jump, meditate, create, move mountains, and more with endless possibility and endless existence. But what about when we get scared of our own greatness? Reaching higher vibrations, or elevating can be scary. Life can be so simple that it’s hard and it’s in that simplicity that we find the courage to move forward with our purpose in life.

I heard a quote one time and I can’t remember who said it now but it ran along the lines of “It’s not our dark but our light that frightens us.” This makes me think. We all have a dichotomy that we cling to and fight against. The dark vs. the light. My personal dichotomy is between allowing my greatness to soar or allowing pride to surface. How do we truly find the balance? When we take the time to know ourselves truly, inside and out, we recognize our humanity and allow our souls to soar. We elevate. In elevation, we must also recognize that there is balance in all things. Humanity survives on balance. When things are extremes, we find panic attacks, anxiety, hopelessness, depresssion, etc. Stay in balance. Check yourself before you wreck yourself and allow yourself the accountability. It’s okay to say “I fucked up”, just don’t let the fuck up stop you.

To bring it all back, being careful about where and how we accept food and drink is really how we accept life and love from ourselves. Trust in vibrations, is truly about how we trust in our own greatness and in our own vibrational force. As the Matrix compels us, will we take the red or blue pill? Will we set ourselves free with the tools discovered, or will we go back to a world of misgivings? I choose to wake, to love, to engage fully with myself and to reap the benefits of all that encompasses.

What will you choose?

 

Damali Speaks Xx

How Old Would You Know Yourself to Be? Part 1

“How old do you know yourself to be?” She stopped drinking her mint tea and looked up, and there in front of her face, was herself.

She sat on the sill of her window and although she was looking outward, she wasn’t actually watching anything happening outside. As usual, she was daydreaming. There was a certain feel to days like this one. She didn’t have words for many feelings and moments. She preferred to just live in them and let them be unnameable as they oftentimes were. She had what her grandmother called a recycled soul. Despite being only twenty-four years old, She had a presence that was far beyond her years. She knew things and kept to herself often despite being what the world proclaimed an “extrovert”. She talked a lot, sometimes about nothing. Most days, she was a regular twenty-four year old woman, mischievous and naive and not yet hardened by the world. But then on some days, she was old, weathered, and tired and simply missed the other part of herself. With deep caramel colored skin and dark brown eyes that seemed to hold the world, she would sit on days like this and stare. The same youth would transform into that of a wise, genderless being who refused to conform to universal norms and simply wanted to return home and experience peace. But peace was not yet within reach. There were things on this earth that still needed to be done. Her small studio apartment in Los Angeles didn’t overlook much. Staring out the window, she saw desert hills and people jogging. She had only moved here three months ago and wasn’t yet used to anything the city offered. The sun always shone, and it seemed that the city was constantly unfolding before her eyes. Now, she thought about how she could find a way to slow down. Los Angeles was a slow city that was always on a grind. Everyone didn’t seem to be working and yet, all they did was work.

When Brown Girls Seek (For Black Girls Who Rock)

When you seek out your sister

do not present your

hurt

as a wall.

Don’t you see?

both of you hurt

both of you seek

both of you cry

Instead, walk into her arms

with hope

with joy

with exhaltation

The evil has not won.

You are here.

Make yourselves dinner.

Make yourselves lemonade.

Laugh

Smile

Cry

Remember that love keeps you alive for this moment and for the moments that follow

Ashe

Falling First, Falling Last, or Not Falling at All: Meditations on Romantic Relationships

Hello Blogosphere! So this month has given me a lot of time to think about romantic relationships and the ways in which I have framed them in my mind up until this point in my life. I thought to myself, self, you’ve gotta sort this out in a blog post. Mostly because you can’t be the only person thinking this way, but also because writing it, helps to flush it out in my own head.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I grew up in a single parent household. Why is that important? Well, where do we learn relationships? At home. I’m not broken or feeling pity for myself at all. The fact of the matter is that I didn’t see conventional relationships growing up so I don’t feel bound by them. Maybe that’s a good thing and maybe it’s not. Maybe it just is. When I got to be a teenager and thought about dating, I was petrified that dating would come with sex which would come with attachments which as a sexual assault survivor, I desperately wanted to avoid. But I also had a weird complex in which my self worth would be tied into how/if/when this other person wanted to date me, wanted to be with me and just me. I took monogamy as what everyone takes it as, the pinnacle. Then I got to college, got cheated on a few times and my thoughts started to change on the matter. If I was the most important person in my romantic world, could I live with people filtering in and out of that if they proved themselves capable?

Ok so backing up, where did this all come from? I recently listened to Jason Robert Brown’s The Last Five Years, featuring Cynthia Erivo and Joshua Henry. The musical documents a failed relationship backwards and forwards. Joshua Henry’s character Jamie, sings the show going frontward, from meeting until marriage and divorce. Cynthia Erivo’s character Catherine sings the show backwards to frontwards, starting with Jamie divorcing her back to their first date. In the show is a song called “I Can Do Better Than That.” I’ll post some lyrics to the second half of the song because although Cynthia is absolutely incredible, the point of the matter is the lyrics.

You don’t have to get a haircut,
You don’t have to change your shoes,
You don’t have to like Duran Duran,
Just love me.

You don’t have to put the seat down,
You don’t have to watch the news,
You don’t have to learn to tango,
You don’t have to eat prosciutto,
You don’t have to change a thing,
Just stay with me.

I want you and you and nothing but you,
Miles and piles of you
Finally I’ll have something worthwhile
To think of each morning–

You and you and nothing but you,
No substitution will do,
Nothing but fresh, undiluted and pure,
Top of the line,
And totally mine!

I don’t need any lifetime commitments, I don’t need to get hitched tonight.
I don’t want you throw up all your walls and defenses.
I don’t mean to put on any pressure, but I know when a thing is right,
And I spend every day reconfiguring my senses.

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OKAY! So hopefully that was an enjoyable break/analysis. This song spoke to me for days. I played it on end until I could sing it freely for days. Then I stopped. I realized that society teaches us that monogamy is for everyone and that monogamy is ownership. I want you, nothing but you and I want you to be totally mine. But people aren’t ours. They’re free. Although I still love the song, I’m thinking about it so much differently now.

I’ve always been interested in unconventional relationships. Being with multiple people, not just sexually but romantically as well. I’m not incredibly jealous by nature. Unless it’s thrown in front of my face that the person I’m with is with someone else, I don’t notice. I don’t look for it, I don’t anticipate it and even then the betrayal of not speaking to me about it honestly is what hurts.

I don’t need to be with someone. I realized today how much self-love that is. It wasn’t always this way. I thought that being with someone, being their “girlfriend” validated my existence. Post College and post many failed attempts at relationships, I thought what if I try something different? What if I decide to be completely open and honest upfront about what I want and if that person can’t handle it, then I won’t have wasted my time?

So began the beginning of unconventional relationships. So far, so good right? Well, I’m still learning to love myself, to place myself first. I think society tells women that to put themselves first is selfish, its something that’s frowned upon. The black community tells black women that we must continue to give until we are shells of ourselves, yet in my discovery of putting myself first, everyone around me actually gets more of me because I have more to give. I’m happier, more available, more vibrant and alive when I am my main thought. In a relationship, I tend to push my partner and sometimes my dreams take a back seat. I can’t afford that right now and neither should any young woman. We also don’t have to be sexless. We can have great sex, great friendships, a lil bit of romance, self love and great focus on our careers.

 

I had a lover say to me once, “I think you love me more than I love you.” That’s the scary part isn’t it? The acknowledgment that you might fall for someone and they won’t fall back? Well, it wasn’t actually true but let’s take it apart as though it was. If I fall for someone, is it the end of the world if it’s not returned? No! Falling in love is beautiful. You can fall in love with friends, family, lifestyles, yourself, etc. and all of it is beautiful because you gained the realization that you have the capacity to love greater than you thought. I’m completely honest about being a loving and mushy person. I come off as having a hard shell and then as soon as you know me, you know that I’m a mush. I love love. I love everything to do with love, thank you Pisces cusp. The biggest thing is being open and honest enough to keep each other clued in. 

Don’t be scared to fall front, fall back or not fall at all. We’re human, it’s what we’re made to do. So let’s just live with a lot less judgements, a lot less restrictions and much more openness.

Accountability, Gratitude & Accepting the Love We Deserve

Hello Faithful Blogosphere! I’m sorry to have been gone for a few days. What had happened was, I got sick not just in my body, but in my soul as well, and I had to take a second, recoup, regroup, and get my damn life. BUT, what’s funny is that even though I’m still recovering and working towards where I want and need to be, I feel SO GOOD! Lemme not get too far ahead of myself. Backing up.

Three of the biggest lessons currently being learned that I see among myself and my friends at this juncture of our 20’s is accountability, gratitude and accepting the love that we deserve. Let’s talk about and dissect each one slowly, shall we?

Accountability. According to my dear friend Merriam-Webster:

Accountable (adjective): 

required to explain actions or decisions to someone

or

required to be responsible for something

So what’s so important about being required to explain ones actions or decisions to someone, to be responsible? I’ve thought about the times in which being accountable and being vulnerable go somewhat hand in hand. To be accountable, to admit my wrong-doings or my mis-understandings is to be vulnerable. I admit that I am not super-human. I am human and therefore fallible. I fucked up. Now, how do we move forward? The people that I’ve seen who have a really difficult time with accountability?

White people, who fail to admit their role whether willing or unwilling in the oppressive world that we live in.

Men, who oppress the women around them by staying silent during cases of misogyny or refusing to listen when being called out.

White Feminists like Lena Dunham, who don’t understand their role in refusing to assist their black and brown sisters in the fight for equity and equality.

Americans who turn the other cheek when the government decides to build a huge pipeline over the sacred grounds and homes of Native American peoples.

The list can go on forever, but the point isn’t to point out a negative with no solution. The point should be to take stock of the oppressive structures, and gather to find a solution. The hardest point of taking accountability in your 20s for myself and my friends is that I think it requires great maturity. As 20-somethings, we don’t really have that yet. It’s so much easier to blame others, to refuse to bend or to label things “good” and “bad” in an attempt to establish a false sense of hope. This particular thing is good, therefore it must be done and this particular thing is bad, therefore we stay away, right? That only works in a perfect world where humans aren’t fallible.  Accountability doesn’t care about good and bad. Accountability just is. Either you stand up or you sit down.

We as human beings are responsible for our own happiness. There is never going to be a moment where someone else takes our lives and our happiness into their hands unless we let them, and even then, you are letting them have that power. At any moment, we can stop. It all leads to accountability. How do we remain responsible for our lives and our actions even as they lead us to feel such harsh and sometimes cruel emotions? Then, what if we factor in the oppressive structures? If black people are being shot and killed daily, do I really have the choice to be happy? I think it isn’t as clear cut as it seems. The world is hard, but I don’t think being “harder” always makes a life worth living.

Moving on to gratitude. In the midst of being accountable, I’ve experienced great moments of gratitude. Let’s consult my dear friend again.

Gratitude (noun):

a feeling of appreciation and/or thanks

Along with learning how to be accountable, I’m learning rapidly how to be grateful for the moments of calm, blessed moments that seem to speak to my spirit. In the midst of great oppression, I’ve experienced great joy. I can be thankful for those moments and those kindred spirits, without erasing my oppression.

So far, in my almost month in Los Angeles, I have met some amazing human beings. I’ve also met some people that aren’t going to make it to the friend status. Being able to spot when and how compatibility works is so crucial. Sometimes, we have to set people free to welcome others. I’ve also heard from people that I haven’t heard from in a while. Friend break-ups that return. How do we stay in a state of grace through the constant fluctuation?

A lot of my friends start the day with affirmations. Gratitude for waking, Love for the world and the day, Abundance for the world has much to give you. These affirmations, do they turn into wishes, reality, hopes and dreams or are they just something beautiful to remind us that we are in fact alive?

For the final topic and probably the biggest that weaves together all previous is accepting the love we deserve. At 24 years old, I’m aware of the love that I’ve received from friends, family, significant others and most recently myself. Does it all match up?

I don’t know how many of you have been tuned into the world via Astronomy, but we are in an interesting time right now in the month of September. Mercury is in retrograde and we just had a Pisces full moon. Why is this significant? Well, Mercury in Retrograde makes everything go haywire. You might see people that you would never in your life expect to see, you might trip over nothing and break your nose, you might lose your keys only to have them returned by a dog who found them in the sewer. Anything is possible and believe me it’s wacky. The full moon always brings us as human beings closer to what many believe is the line between the spirit world where spirituality and all that encompasses it resides and the world that some deem as “reality”. Who really knows? But just for flips and giggles, have you ever noticed that your body just knows when a full moon is coming? You’ll be minding your own business and look up and voila! you knew it was there but you didn’t really take stock. The sign of Pisces is one of emotions. Pisces signs feel deeply, they are incredibly intuitive, warm and at many times old souls. As a person born under the Aquarius-Pisces Cusp, I will always have great love and appreciation for the Pisces sign. The moon we just came out of was a Pisces moon, and was great for letting go, channeling in, being fully aware of emotions and feeling very much tuned into the wacky that is Mercury Retrograde.

How does this filter into the talk of loving and giving love? Sometimes, my friends and I choose to give of ourselves to people who are not compatible, yet in this new area and place in life, I feel a new sisterhood forming. Ever since I was a little girl, I heard the phrase: You have to love yourself before you love anyone else. Now that I’m older, I realize just how harmful that ideology is. So you mean to tell me that I’m not worthy of love unless I fully love myself? So my being singular is punishment because I haven’t yet learned to love my own existence? What about recognizing my existence in someone else? Loving oneself is paramount. I do not mean to diminish that. I do think that there is more than one route to discovering love of oneself. I think it is a discovery. It’s a long journey that I will personally be going on for the rest of my life. I won’t ever finally love myself because I won’t know all of myself all the time. Human beings change so often and so drastically that with each new moment in life, I fall deeper in knowledge and love of myself.

With that knowledge, I can now discern the love that I deserve from the love that I don’t. Have you ever been friends with someone and something goes a lil bit haywire in the friendship and you react in a way that past you wouldn’t have? Did you recognize the love that you deserved and that this person was giving you less than that? For myself, there are two moments. I recognize that something is up and then I do something about it. Sometimes, those moments in between are FARRRRRRR apart. How do we close the gap?

Last year, I met two beautifully spiritual and awake young people who helped me on my journey of rituals and using the earth around me. I went through a ritualistic big chop (Cutting off all my hair), calling on my ancestors for strength and then continued to have ritual moments with these beautiful human beings. In loving myself, I found my spirit finds freedom in the ritual. This full moon, I gathered two of my sisters and off we went to manifest by the ocean under the moon. Loving oneself is a slow process. Letting go is a slow process. Moving on is a slow process. Accountability and gratitude are slow processes. If we remember that we all do it and we all must be gentle as we find ourselves within each other, love wins.

Meeting a Consciously Empowered and Evolving Man & Realizing My Own Need For Growth

This post is going to feature a lil bit of my sex life as well as me being with a man. If you’re a family member and have a problem with seeing me as a sexual being, don’t read. If you don’t like that I like men and women and non-gendered people, don’t read. 

Ok! Hello Blogosphere! A few days ago, I met, spent time with and slept with an emotionally empowered, evolved, conscious and beautiful man and it changed my life forever. I usually don’t write about these things but I think being open with it is going to do more good than harm. Previous to being with him, I had gone on a year long time of being with only women and I loved it. I found these women to be beautiful, loving, sexy and in no way am I questioning my attraction to them. About a year ago, I read this article that basically said that although I spend a lot of time asking the universe for a conscious and evolved partner, when I get one, I’m not gonna know what to do with them. As much as I HATE to say it, the article was right.

For a year and a half, I’ve been steadily slacking. I allowed myself to be lax in my yoga practices, I went way off my vegetarian diet, meditation became Netflix, earth walking became driving and water quite literally became wine. So how in the world did the mixed vibes I sent out come back as a soul mate? I believe in soul mates, not one but a tribe. Throughout life, we meet these soul tribe mates and some of them become best friends, some lovers, some are our parents and some come only for a season or a day and then exit just as swiftly as they entered.

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I met one soul mate last year, met one before that, and yet I still had/have this nagging feeling that someone else is coming. That I have to prepare. What I notice is that my soul mates are usually so very unexpected. They sneak up on me.

This soul mate is different than most. He is a conscious, positive vibing, earth walking, waking up at 5am to practice meditation and yoga, jogging man who even though younger than me, was SO very much older in spirit and nothing could have prepared me for that.

I’m going to make up a name, let’s say Matthew. I met “Matthew” during my first week in LA. I was still living in my brother’s apartment, still jet lagged and still clumsy and confused about LA, even more so than I am now. Matthew had just gotten to LA a month ago from let’s say “Italy” so his english was basically as good as my Spanish-which I have to say as a side note that my spanish is pretty good for someone who grew up speaking it with her Puerto Rican best friend-but anyway, you get my point. We met, he invited me to hang out a few times but in the flurry of buying a car and finding an apartment and move-in day, I forgot about him. Then, one day, as I was sitting on my couch, I sent him a message. He responded pretty quickly with an address for me to drive to and the knowledge that although LA was a cool place, he would be moving back to Italy in two days.

So that was perfect, right?

Hang out. chill. go home. he leaves.

Wrong.

Side Note: I’ve had more than a few one night stands, and most recently I told myself that there would be no more. From now on, I would force myself to get to know someone before sleeping with them once, losing all interest and then disappearing. Let me just say before you get all judgey wudgey that sexual assault survivors find healing in various ways and many either become religiously celibate or screw everything walking. Well, I became the latter for a minute and decided to cut myself off.

I got to the address and out he comes. We get ice cream (He pays) and even with the language difference, we talk. We talk about any and everything. We talk about existentialism, life, our joys and our sorrows. He got me to do more talking in 30 minutes of ice cream than anyone in 30 minutes of talking ever. We go back to the apartment and no we don’t hook up immediately. We talk. We listen to each other’s music and we read each other.

Reading is something that my mother as well as all the older black women in my life do exceedingly well. They can look at you and tell whether you have your period, if you’re pregnant, if you’re tired, if you just had chicken, if your soul is uneasy, if you need cleansing, etc. I don’t have the capability that my mother has, but I’m not too shabby at reading when I need to. Being read by a white man and have it be accurate was unnerving and he knew it too. We talked about racism, my need for activism and the world as I see it. He didn’t understand it but he hugged me with empathy. He kept putting his hand just above my forehead where my third eye is and just holding his hand there as though sending positive energy or measuring just what was going on in that chakra.  I could see that speaking in english was wearing on him and so I told him he could speak spanish or french if he wanted to. I could understand him but I would respond in spanish or english. After hours of talking and reading, he finally kissed me. Not only that, but he asked me continually for consent. DO YOU KNOW HOW SEXY THAT IS FOR A SURVIVOR OF SEXUAL ASSAULT?! Well, now you do.

After hours of wine drinking, talking and making out, we were joined by his flatmates who were just as awake and fun as he was and as it got later and later, he asked me if I would stay. Without a thought, I knew it was a yes. We went at my pace and I was fully unprepared for what my body and spirit would go through. At one point, I remember saying, “I think we make a good team.” He responded with “I don’t think, I know.” I slept more peacefully that night than I had in the entire time I had been in LA. There were times in which I would roll away or open my eyes and see him watching me or pull me right back into his arms. We woke up and touched, slept more and repeat. Finally we woke up and all I felt was joy. I couldn’t help smiling and laughing and snuggling. “You are happy.” he said, matter of factly. “Yes! I am!” I replied laughing. He consistently asked me what I was thinking and for a while I kept saying “nothing”, because I wasn’t. I was completely in my body for the first time in a long time. We went out for chicken quesadillas for lunch because we had slept through breakfast. (He paid again) Soon enough it was time for him to pack and me to leave.

The goodbye was as terrible as most goodbyes are. He walked me to my car, insistent on seeing what I drove. He kept stopping by silver and blue cars. Cars that were cute. Suitable for a woman to drive. Freedom, my black 2008 Ford Focus was parked way down the block. Usually, I park down the block in LA and then walk up so I feel like I’m actually doing exercise. When he finally saw Freedom and me standing beside her, he exclaimed, “Of course, a black car!” and I laughed as he came close to kiss and hug me. He thanked me for staying the night, I thanked him, we kissed, once, twice. I walked to the driver’s side of Freedom and got in. He walked around with me and as I could see that he didn’t want me to go, I prepared bluetooth and started the car. He waved, walked back to the sidewalk and began to leave. Music blared from my speakers as I zoomed around the corner, honked, waved and that was it.

The unpreparedness of all of this was that it wasn’t meant to last, but also that I couldn’t meet him at the same enlightened place because I’m not at that place right now. I haven’t saged my new apartment or smudged my room. I haven’t been keeping my ritual and so what he saw was a diminished light. Yet what he saw, he still cherished. But now there’s an urge. A need to prepare myself in all ways. What if I do decide to stick to my regimen, to wake up early, to eat right and practice yoga, meditate and work out. To “go for it” as he constantly said. To actually be as old of a spirit as I feel.