Womanhood: Sexual Liberation in a Time of Need vs. Want, Repression & Release

Hey Speakerz! This week was an eye-opening one, full of liberation and the twenties. I’m back to speaking on one of my absolute favorite topics, sex and sexuality! Discovering myself as a sexual being is something that I feel is so important, especially because black women’s sexual autonomy is constantly policed. While this is true, I’ve found that taking the time to be in my own body and space and knowing who I am is paramount to knowing what it is that I want in a sexual partner. So, today’s topic is on Womanhood, exploring sex in a healthy way and what is a need, followed by a want as well as repression and release concerning sexual ideals. 

With almost 8 months of celibacy under my belt, I began to feel as though I either might not ever want sex again or that I would die if I didn’t have sex soon. So began the tug of war. What is “sexual liberation” and how do we, meaning queer/straight millenial poc deal with our own needs and desires? From what I’ve gathered, being sexually liberated means having the innerstanding of the inner workings of one’s desire as well as the discipline and vocal wherewithal to bring about means of expression for that sexual experience whatever that may be.

I struggled for a while with this explanation. I’m a queer, polyamorous, old soul having millenial who doesn’t adhere to respectability politics and is so unapologetic that I most often don’t actually care to deal with others projections of low vibrational bull shit. So, sexual liberation is a given right? WRONG. I super recently broke my 8 months of celibacy with someone with a penis who identifies as a straight, monogamous man and it took a while for me to openly ask for that experience, mostly because understanding my sexual liberation is also understanding the energy transfer that comes with sexual expression particularly with intercourse. The gender norms and politics don’t have to be adhered to, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t present and how, then do we move forward? How do we engage past the sexism, hetero-patriarchy and ego to a place of real and honest connection that brings us to liberation?

How often do I have sex because I genuinely want to?

How often to I feel pressured to perform?

How often do I think about connecting and not dis-connecting in an effort not to feel because feeling too much is scary/overwhelming?

How often do I feel safe enough to connect?

All of these things lead to blockages or breakthroughs in our ability to truly experience liberation concerning sex. The thing is that everyone should be able to experience what it is to not be judged for being a sexual being. Many people have sex. Many people don’t. It’s okay to express. Being closed off about it only leads to sexual repression. I always wanted to talk in depth and length about sex but would always be stopped by the older people around me. There is so much unlearning that has to take place surrounding sex and desire.

Moving onward to needs and wants. Throughout the exploration of my own sexual liberation, I came across a funny feeling. Is sex a need or a want for me? Some people say that it’s a need, some say a want. Can it be a neant? A combination of both? I found in myself that there are times when it is one and then the other and then a mixture, mostly because I am a changing human being and every day brings about something different. Sex is like food. I need to eat because my body needs the fuel, but what I eat determines just how my body will run. So maybe I do a cleanse once in a while, maybe I eat more fruit than meats, and maybe I eat junk food on a regular.

What is your style of self care? Sex is a means of reproduction, but it’s also a means of energy transfer, healing, grounding, expression, etc. Masturbation restores my energy and helps me to manifest and connect with just how my inner self is doing. Sexual intercourse involving another human body allows me to dispel some energy but also to regain my own and form a connection to a higher self and stream of consciousness.

What is your intention? In a world where we are constantly bombarded with images and energy, how do we set intention, when and why? Do you ever think about an intention not just for your day, but for that moment? When I engage in anything, I immediately set my intention. “This will feed my soul and give the energy I need to do such and such”. That way, there is no misplaced anything. If something comes up, I can figure out exactly where it came from because I was intentional. Intentions for sex can be mind-blowing and soul-healing. You don’t have to say it out loud, you can say it to yourself, but always have a direction for the energy to go, otherwise, what are you inviting? Carelessness?

Using your whole self in sex is such a release. Use your voice, throat chakra, your root, sacral chakra, your heart, your third eye, your hands, mouth, hair, etc. Why not throw yourself headfirst into the experience and let your spirit soar and then return? Being an adult in terms of behavior is paramount. And now, come to think about it, I don’t like that phrase. Being considerate and responsible with sexual energy is better. People tend to say that I “act like a guy” post sex because although I am fully present in an experience, I’m not attached or clingy. I allow the energy to flow and then I maintain my autonomy. So often, those classified as women are expected to be these emotional creatures that want marriage and use sex to get love in both heterosexual and homosexual interactions. While that is true of some people, it is also true that sexual liberation allows space for a new type of woman: A woman that embraces her power and can embrace the sexual energy and then let it flow. This woman isn’t “acting” as anything. She’s in touch, she implores self love and most importantly, she moves on. If you are one of those women, I salute you for your journey and I say, continue on. As your fellow sister and “too much” woman, I say that we need more examples of women like us. 

Sex can be such a liberating and beautiful experience, let’s engage.

 

Love Always,

 

Damali Speaks Xx

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Running from the Reign: Discoveries of Freedom & Spirit

Hey Speakerz! Back at it again! I am currently writing this from a sort of renewed and re-birthed place. So, if you feel newborn vibes from me, it’s all a part of the cycle. With yesterday being Easter, it was so important to harness the energy of the day as I spent it in Prospect Park in Brooklyn with some wonderful Warriors of Light (I’m calling whoever I meet as my tribe member at any point in time a Warrior of Light) as we worked through our collective pain to re-birth ourselves. Sharing my growth into today is my name. The most difficult thing for me to embrace is my name. My birth name is different from what I feel I need to be called and though I’ve been fighting it for a long time, I’m learning to embrace my true name and my spirit. After all, words are spells and we must use them to bless and not curse. Today’s topic is on Love, Self & Spirit. Let’s dig in!

What’s something that you love so much that you could not drown, but swim in? For me, that’s rain. I love the rain. Yesterday in Prospect Park, it rained heavily for about 15 minutes. It was cold and almost like knives digging into my flesh. I heard people running and screaming around me in fear and I thought. “It’s water.” How can we say that we love water and rain that falls from the sky and yet want to interact with it only from the safety under an umbrella? How have we as human beings and spirits of the Universe lost our selves so much? Loving something, someone, some self, means that we don’t drown in it with the intention of sinking to the bottom, never to be seen or heard from again. To love something wholly, means to swim, to flow with the tide, to ride, to seek, to find solace in, etc. and yet to understand that love is freedom. Set what you love free so that it can roam, live, and be found again anew within you. When we hold on to what is no longer ours, we don’t allow for the energy to flow. We remain stunted in the same loop. To keep the flow of energy going is to create an elevated loop, a deja vu that’s not quite the same.

How do I really love? I know that I’ve been programmed to believe that sex is an act only done with someone you love, love is possession, love is all-encompassing, an act of passion, monogamy, workaholic, self-sacrifice, etc. The more I roam this earth and meet more spirits housed in human bodies, the more I realize that love is so much more than I could ever have imagined. Yesterday, sitting in a cocoon of love, I realized that love doesn’t reflect time. It lives outside of it, yet it is still stable. Grounded. Reveling in love, doesn’t need to mean the things that I was programmed for them to mean. Being in the present with time is understanding the harnessing of present energy and respecting it. Living in the moment and letting that moment live.

How then, do I love my self? How do I establish a relationship with my self so strong that no matter what I do,  I am always my authentic self? Self love and self care. Lately, “Self Care” rather than “Self Love” has made it’s way into my vocabulary. How to Care for ones’ Self is an important space to live in, to make a home in. So many human beings have made homes in places and left the self an empty shell. But what if we all became committed to making homes in our selves and roamed in freedom and nature? What would that look like?

Duality. There is an important necessity in duality. The world balances itself out. In every day simple things, we have the presence of a penis, balanced with a vagina. Masculine energies balanced with feminine energies. Warm white light balanced with pure and black energy of creation and absorbed power. As so above, so below. Neither is better or worse, it just is. It is simply, maintenance of balance. As human beings with eternal spirits, how do we revel in our own duality? What is our dark nurtured by our light, what is our wrong nurtured by our right? Still, there isn’t just the two extremes side by side. There’s a whole scale. I’m attracted to the spectrum. I enjoy chocolate, vanilla, and cherry, mango, pineapple, etc. Our duality is all encompassing and we should be allowed to explore and play in it, rather than be forced to pick a side unnecessarily.

This leads to Spirit. Some call it spirit, intuition, “gut instinct”, etc. That feeling in your core at various moments. How often do you listen to it? In the span of a few months, I’ve been training myself to each morning, check in with my self, my intuition, and receive instructions for how to care for the little girl inside of me that still needs raising in so many ways. Sometimes the instructions are sweet: “Make sure to get a good hug and moment in the sun today.” Sometimes the instructions are sour: “Sit your ass down today and write”. Sometimes they just are: ” Fruit is imperative at this time. You need to be sweet and a little sour. Cut out all other foods and listen to the world speak”. Knowing when to listen to intuition versus the ego is crucial. When is my ego speaking? When is it my intuition?

Always operating from a place of love, acceptance and openness is so easy that it’s hard, and I’d be lying if I said that I always did it 100% because I’m human. I falter. But let’s remember to always rise. Move through our collective pain, embrace our human, be free and well, live this life we are blessed with.

 

Love Always,

 

Damali Speaks Xx

Beginning, Middle & End: Thoughts on the Omega

Hey Speakerz! Back at it again! This week’s topic is on Alpha and Beta personalities, and how societal pressures cause us to stand as one or the other. I’m a phone person. I would personally much rather speak with someone and hear their vocal inflections as the conversation takes its highs and lows rather than to text or email, etc. I bring that up because this week’s topic came about during a phone conversation and I thought “I’ve Got IT! This is some dope stuff!” and thus thoughts on societal status outside of capitalism were born in me.

According to Webster, the definitions of Alpha and Beta personalities are as follows:

Alpha: the highest ranking individual in a group

Beta: the lower ranking individual in a group

Now if we paid attention to these narrow definitions, you might be sitting there like “well that sucks”. The thing that bugged me the most in this subtle research was just how negative portrayals were the highlight of definitions and research instead of a person to person interaction. Here’s the thing, Alpha’s are the person who takes charge, the Type A, the person proclaimed a “bitch” by society if female and “big man in charge” if male. Alphas are typically the boss. The Beta’s are people who are Type B, laid back, maybe quiet, some might call them lazy or basic. Type B personalities are willing to fade into the background. Now personally, I thought that I was none of these. I’m not a Type A perfectionist, although I have my moments and I’m not a Type B laid back person, although I have my moments there as well. Thus, there emerged the Omega personality.

While Alpha and Beta are the beginning 2 letters of the Greek Alphabet, Omega is the 24th and final letter of the Greek Alphabet. Omega’s are a combination of Beta and Alpha. Possessing more Alpha than Beta, they are like the second in command. DING DING DING! I have found myself! How many of us in society are in the middle?

I always heard that Alpha is the beginning while Omega is the end. Alpha & Omega has a meaning of forever and always, as well. I always tried to fit one or the other. I could never belong solidly in one and I began to think that something was wrong with me, but in actuality, I’m just an animal that is rarely seen and not afraid of my rare status. That’s intimidating in a world where societal norms are so very strong. So what to do now? I always felt narrowed into a box with societal definitions and beyond that, the negative connotation that so many labels have. Maybe, being able to identify with a certain characteristic only further serves as a breadcrumb on the journey of self love and self actualization. Maybe, all that we encounter is really just one more breadcrumb. Why get caught up?

This all had me thinking of the roles that I’ve personally played in people’s lives and on a grander scheme, the roles that every human being plays in our collective lives. I notice that people come into my life when they need healing. are about to make a big choice, and need to see the full picture. Usually, when I enter people’s lives, I’m a good luck charm. Trust me, this is something I’ve put to the test multiple times. The thing about not embracing who we are and what we can do, leaves us with emptiness and in many ways a heavy exhaustion. But if we embrace all of ourselves, the Alpha, the Beta, the Omega, what magic can happen?

Let’s human beings move past the narrow definitions and the negative energy. Let’s just embrace who we are as imperfect and yet beautiful human beings. I do think that there is some truth and worth in the Alpha, Beta and Omega, but is it all of who I can be? Certainly not. I make my future. I design the life that I want and best believe it is phenomenal. I hope yours is too.

 

Love Always,

 

Damali Speaks Xx

Truth or Not: Meditations of Self Confidence & Failure

Hey Speakerz! This week’s blog post is about innerstanding the value of your own self confidence as well as leadership & failure. How do we use our self confidence, our self love, our self worth in the moments that really matter?

If I tell myself that I truly value my work as an artist, a hard worker, a soul-filled entity, but then I do something contradictory to those notions, how much do I truly love myself? How much confidence is “average”? What does it mean to truly have a purpose?

This week has made me think so very hard about who I am in space, mostly because I’ve been around so much wisdom. I love speaking with people who, as my mom would say “Got some years on ’em”. I had the great fortune this week to be able to sit and really listen to people who know way more than me and are willing to share the wisdom that they possess. As a young twenty-something I constantly feel that I’m deconstructing the programming of what is and isn’t true for me. As soon as I find one thing that seems to be true for me, it changes and is suddenly no longer true in the same way. It’s incredibly frustrating but also eye-opening. I can be all the things that I am. The confusing, multi-faceted human being inside of me is worthy of love and truth-seeking.

The theme for the week seems to be “What is your truth?”. If living in the world as it is, is something that no longer works, then what does work? This leads to self-confidence. I’ve always said that if I must fail, I want to fail big. I want to possess the self confidence to make HUGE choices and therefore huge successes or huge failures. How often can we trust ourselves to jump without a net? To hug without the assurance of receiving? To truly love without the guarantee of getting any of it back?

What is a leader? As I thought about that this week, I realized that many of the problems of “millenials” is that we’re new age leaders. We break boundaries without even realizing just what a boundary is. I’ve never wanted to be the worker, I want to be the boss. I’m not and never will be a good worker bee. I’m constantly challenging the status quo. Call it what you will, but I think it makes me unique. Let’s embrace our unique, our special, our truth. In it, we find freedom and isn’t that what all this is about anyway?

 

Love Always,

 

Damali Speaks Xx