Hey Speakerz! This week was an eye-opening one, full of liberation and the twenties. I’m back to speaking on one of my absolute favorite topics, sex and sexuality! Discovering myself as a sexual being is something that I feel is so important, especially because black women’s sexual autonomy is constantly policed. While this is true, I’ve found that taking the time to be in my own body and space and knowing who I am is paramount to knowing what it is that I want in a sexual partner. So, today’s topic is on Womanhood, exploring sex in a healthy way and what is a need, followed by a want as well as repression and release concerning sexual ideals.
With almost 8 months of celibacy under my belt, I began to feel as though I either might not ever want sex again or that I would die if I didn’t have sex soon. So began the tug of war. What is “sexual liberation” and how do we, meaning queer/straight millenial poc deal with our own needs and desires? From what I’ve gathered, being sexually liberated means having the innerstanding of the inner workings of one’s desire as well as the discipline and vocal wherewithal to bring about means of expression for that sexual experience whatever that may be.
I struggled for a while with this explanation. I’m a queer, polyamorous, old soul having millenial who doesn’t adhere to respectability politics and is so unapologetic that I most often don’t actually care to deal with others projections of low vibrational bull shit. So, sexual liberation is a given right? WRONG. I super recently broke my 8 months of celibacy with someone with a penis who identifies as a straight, monogamous man and it took a while for me to openly ask for that experience, mostly because understanding my sexual liberation is also understanding the energy transfer that comes with sexual expression particularly with intercourse. The gender norms and politics don’t have to be adhered to, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t present and how, then do we move forward? How do we engage past the sexism, hetero-patriarchy and ego to a place of real and honest connection that brings us to liberation?
How often do I have sex because I genuinely want to?
How often to I feel pressured to perform?
How often do I think about connecting and not dis-connecting in an effort not to feel because feeling too much is scary/overwhelming?
How often do I feel safe enough to connect?
All of these things lead to blockages or breakthroughs in our ability to truly experience liberation concerning sex. The thing is that everyone should be able to experience what it is to not be judged for being a sexual being. Many people have sex. Many people don’t. It’s okay to express. Being closed off about it only leads to sexual repression. I always wanted to talk in depth and length about sex but would always be stopped by the older people around me. There is so much unlearning that has to take place surrounding sex and desire.
Moving onward to needs and wants. Throughout the exploration of my own sexual liberation, I came across a funny feeling. Is sex a need or a want for me? Some people say that it’s a need, some say a want. Can it be a neant? A combination of both? I found in myself that there are times when it is one and then the other and then a mixture, mostly because I am a changing human being and every day brings about something different. Sex is like food. I need to eat because my body needs the fuel, but what I eat determines just how my body will run. So maybe I do a cleanse once in a while, maybe I eat more fruit than meats, and maybe I eat junk food on a regular.
What is your style of self care? Sex is a means of reproduction, but it’s also a means of energy transfer, healing, grounding, expression, etc. Masturbation restores my energy and helps me to manifest and connect with just how my inner self is doing. Sexual intercourse involving another human body allows me to dispel some energy but also to regain my own and form a connection to a higher self and stream of consciousness.
What is your intention? In a world where we are constantly bombarded with images and energy, how do we set intention, when and why? Do you ever think about an intention not just for your day, but for that moment? When I engage in anything, I immediately set my intention. “This will feed my soul and give the energy I need to do such and such”. That way, there is no misplaced anything. If something comes up, I can figure out exactly where it came from because I was intentional. Intentions for sex can be mind-blowing and soul-healing. You don’t have to say it out loud, you can say it to yourself, but always have a direction for the energy to go, otherwise, what are you inviting? Carelessness?
Using your whole self in sex is such a release. Use your voice, throat chakra, your root, sacral chakra, your heart, your third eye, your hands, mouth, hair, etc. Why not throw yourself headfirst into the experience and let your spirit soar and then return? Being an adult in terms of behavior is paramount. And now, come to think about it, I don’t like that phrase. Being considerate and responsible with sexual energy is better. People tend to say that I “act like a guy” post sex because although I am fully present in an experience, I’m not attached or clingy. I allow the energy to flow and then I maintain my autonomy. So often, those classified as women are expected to be these emotional creatures that want marriage and use sex to get love in both heterosexual and homosexual interactions. While that is true of some people, it is also true that sexual liberation allows space for a new type of woman: A woman that embraces her power and can embrace the sexual energy and then let it flow. This woman isn’t “acting” as anything. She’s in touch, she implores self love and most importantly, she moves on. If you are one of those women, I salute you for your journey and I say, continue on. As your fellow sister and “too much” woman, I say that we need more examples of women like us.
Sex can be such a liberating and beautiful experience, let’s engage.
Damali Speaks Xx