Establishing Womb, Home & Center: Meditations on Change and Self

Hey yo Blogosphere! I know, that title is a little daunting and you’re probably wondering what in the world I’m about to write about. Well, a “new year” brings with it new revelations as well as new waves of energy to be used. Whether used for ill or well, the energy demands that it be used. How is the question isn’t it?

I haven’t spoken about my sexual assault history for a long time, mostly because I’m at a place where it no longer plagues my life. I’ve made peace with it and choose to live in forgiveness. I learned from the experience. But, one of the hardest parts of living as a survivor of sexual assault for me was the healing. I will be in a process of healing for the rest of my life. Does that make me angry? It did. Does it make me exhausted? It used to. Does this all make me human? Even more so. We are in control of what the universe sends to us, and when we aren’t we can choose how to build and grow from the experience. I am not a victim. I was sexually assaulted, and I choose to build myself, grow and to support others as we continue to live on this misogynistic plane. We must embrace our own forms of healing, because the only person who can heal us is ourselves.

Part of my healing process has been to embrace my womb, the womb that was taken forcefully and yet is still very much mine.  Looking at how we do healing in the US, I seem to have been steering away from your classic therapy. I’ve found some of my most healing moments not in group sessions or one-on-one meetings with a trained therapist, but in spaces devoted to yoga, meditation, crystals, masturbation, and journaling, etc. to have all been very healing for me. We find our healing in different ways. Sometimes, talking through the pain and the illogical findings of the brain are what’s best, and other times, I have to find my own way through the trauma with physicality, warm spaces and tears. All are valid. All are sacred. Most importantly, all are what I need for myself and given to myself freely and with nothing but love.

For some people, healing involves completely abstaining from sex. For others, it involves having a lot of sex. Sex with a womb that needs healing can be daunting. I know that when I was having frequent sex, I personally found myself having to stop sometimes because of an on-coming panic attack or just feeling a memory and being caught in the flashback. It’s hard and it’s something that isn’t really talked about. We must be patient with ourselves through the pain and embrace the pleasure of our own energy. I give myself the permission to wake up, to be power-full, to embrace all of myself.

I’ve said it before in other posts, but home for me is myself. Wherever I am is home because I am home inside of myself. I want to open myself up like a book, look around, carve a little shelf and go to sleep in my own warmth. In doing this, I’ve found who I am and just what it is that I’m capable of. I’m an artist in so many ways, a writer, a dancer, an alchemist, a creator, and so much more. We must heal ourselves, we must reclaim our energy, we must move forward. Live in the truth. Stand in your truth. Stand in your light.

Love always,

Damali Speaks Xx

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