Meditations on Self Worth, Love & New Environments

Hello Faithful Blogosphere! Wow, so where do I start? I’ve been in LA for two weeks now, almost three. I have an apartment with two dope ass roommates in NoHo (North Hollywood), I have a car (2008 Black Ford Focus) by the name of Freedom, I have not found a job yet, but I am applying like crazy and attempting to find myself in this world of a city.

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One word that describes this experience of the last few weeks would be “Overwhelming”. I wrenched myself from the world of the east coast, submerged it in west coast and well, it’s been REAL. There are certain spots in LA that I’ve discovered that remind me of home but for the most part, this place is an entirely new beast.

One thing that’s stood out the most is just how much more social media active people are out here. Maybe it’s just in general, but it’s kind of astonishing how much promotion there is online. I’ve never truly been a social media wiz and being here just kind of intensifies that fact.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and definitely a lot of over-thinking. It’s one of the things I do, I think myself into a hole so very often. In many ways, don’t we all? We’re conditioned to. I will say that one of the most beautiful things about LA is that I’m a 30-40 minute drive from the ocean. I think I can honestly say that I’ve been to the beach 3 times this week alone. I can’t help it. Water is one of those things that just calms me down, no matter what is going on in the outside world.

So to go back to the thinking. I’ve been thinking about and feeling a lot of love lately. Love from new people, love from family and friends and love from myself. Being in a new place forces me to ask the age old question of : “Do you love yourself?”.  Someone actually asked me the very same question the other day and it was so expected that I just stopped and froze for a second. Not in fear or self-consciousness but in actual realization.  I do love myself. I’m not anywhere near where I want to be, and sure, I have days full of doubt and insecurity but over-all, I do love who I am. I love my skin, my eyes, my lips, my voice, my personality, my weird, my silly, my sometimes guardedness, etc. All the things that have led me to who I am are human and loveable. In this society that we live in that places value on “likes” and “followers” and material wealth, how do we establish self love outside of the constant barrage of advertisement? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

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Moving onward with new meditations, I realized, or better yet it was brought back to my attention how important travel is to me. I’ve always wanted to travel and yet a lack of money has me land locked. I don’t want to start a “career” yet. What is a career? Maybe I’m just being unreasonable in wanting to live outside every box presented but i’m starting to care less and less and want more and more. I’ve been not really creating and that makes me unhappy. I started a new short play, sort of based on true events and sort of not really but it seems that every time I sit down to write it, I can’t. How do I have writers block?! In a world where stories are abundant, how am I having a problem in writing them down?!

I miss coffee shops. It seems in LA that the only coffee shops that I find near me are Starbucks. Not on every corner, but they’re around. Also, LA is expensive so I can’t see myself writing in a coffee shop in the same way that I would in New York or even in New England. So where does my writing grow wings and fly? How does one make friends in a sprawling city? How does one embrace?

Ah, so many questions and not many answers. I suppose answers must be found, rooted out and ultimately discovered.

Until Next Time Xo

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