What Scares You the Most? Do That.

Hello faithful blogosphere! No start with song lyrics today! Instead, there’s a music video:

Trop Fresh – Monsieur Nov

I’ve always loved music in other languages. This one caught my attention and well, too good not to share. But onward to more topics that keep the blogosphere fed. My internship is a year long one. My roommate found a job and is leaving a little early. She leaves tomorrow and all week long I’ve been watching her pack. The process of my internship has been crazy, ups and downs, lows and highs but it started last July. I got to this intern house before my roommates and i’ll be leaving last. Things really do come full circle. Last year this time, things were SO very different in my life. Now, I’m here, 3-4 months shy of a year and my life continues to be so very different from anything I could have dreamed up for myself. I’m single, teaching, but yet somehow I have that same feeling of anticipation that superceded my internship. Something is going to change soon. Something is coming.

I’ve always been intrigued with the idea of travel. I love going to new places and seeing ways in which people live, and frankly I’m so very tired of the east coast. Come July, I’m planning on finding new homes for most of my belongings and with two big suitcases, calling Los Angeles, California, my new home for however long I need to be there. I don’t anticipate longer than 2 years.

I remember when I made the decision. It was my last day in LA and I stepped foot in the airport, got my boarding pass and sat down waiting for my plane to load. I felt this overwhelming sadness, not only because I had LA fever and didn’t want to leave the gorgeous weather, but because this was a chapter of my life that I felt was closing before I even knew it had opened. I recognized that this place scared the shit out of me, and so that’s where I needed to be.

I feel like I always need to challenge myself to do what I think at one point might be impossible. Is LA easy? Not even a little bit. I have some family and friends out there but for the most part, I’m there alone and that’s thrilling as well as frightening. Will I find a job? Yes. Will it be glamorous? Probably not even a little bit. But when ever in my life will I be able to make big decisions like this again? Not ever! I was on a date the other day with a friend and she asked me “Why LA”? I told her honestly, it scares me the most. I don’t want to live my life in comfort or complacency. If and when I fail, I want to fail BIG.

This leads me to Art. Artists are such unstable people in my opinion. We create, we stew, we bring to life the challenges of humanity that other people maybe have the good sense not to fuck with. My art, the last year has been stagnant. While helping other people create art and teaching young people to build their art, I’ve neglected mine. How do artists give their art food, water and sunlight so that it can grow? What does that constitute? Life experience? A willingness? A hunger? I used to always ask myself what I was hungry for. What are you hungry for dear girl? I’m hungry for growth, warm weather, a long drive, uncertainty, my own space and apartment, friends, loved ones, time, fun nights, lazy mornings, black coffee, time and space, blackness, radical thought, affirmation.

I’m trying to break the habit that there is a right and a wrong. I’ve been hurt many times, as all of us can probably lay claim to as well, but I want to be more open. If I’m hurt, then I’m hurt, but I at least want to remain open to the possibility and not let rejection close me off and seal a guard around the castle that is my heart and soul. I think, I’m ready to love myself again, and Los Angeles just might be the place to try.