Snowpocalypse & Deserving Better

EY YO.Ey yO.EY yo.EY YO!!! No diggity. No doubt. uh.

Wassup yall! Just. Always expect a big weird intro from me. I will never go right into the topic at hand or give a nice cute intro. It will always be weird, and thus we begin. So, it’s like a snowpocalypse outside. I hate snow. Last year sealed it for me. It’s time to move to a place where there is no snow. ANYWAY, this blog is gonna have a lot of music involved. One, cuz I’m a musician and Two, cuz music is life. I was on the bus this morning on my way to a rehearsal and one of my favorite artists Kehlani, came on. Cloud 19 is a genius mixtape. If you haven’t heard it, stop reading this blog, open a new tab and jam and then come back. Ok, now that you’ve done this. Her song, Deserve Better, hit me. Opening goes like this:

“Lemme ask you first, what did you think when you saw me? Was I something that you wanted or only just another cure for lonely, another you don’t plan on catchin’ after throwing? Oh I spent a lot of time fixing my heart, gathering my peace of mind and I worked so goddamn hard. Now I love the girl I become, I finally know the wrong I was done and I deserve better.”

I had heard the song a million times and jammed out, but today, it hit me. I stopped. rewound. played. rewound again. played again. This one verse/song described all that I’d been through in this year. This year/2015 has been a whirlwind of people, places, emotions and status. I know, weird. Let’s start a little farther back. In winter of last year, I directed a play. That winter was hard in so many ways #yetanothersnowpocalypse and I somehow found myself in a romantic situation from this play that was at most absolutely bonkers and at least a lil cray.

In high school, I was pretty confident in my queerness, strongly bisexual. I dated men and women and was polyamorous before I even really understood what that meant. It just was natural to me. College kinda changed the game when I leaned more on the straight side in presentation but was still attracted to who I was attracted to but wasn’t super vocal about it. Post college, I wasn’t dating anyone, solidly confident being alone but not lonely and learning who I was and wanted to be.

Back to last winter, I found myself in a relationship that was decidedly heterosexual. He identified as being a man and possessed a penis. I realized pretty early on that this heterosexual monogamous mesh wasn’t really working. I felt like a traitor, searching for validation. I had a “boyfriend” so shouldn’t I be fulfilled? I was committed to one person, like society says, so I finally had it right? How was I queer, probably more so than ever before in my life and with him? Our relationship was SUPER intense. Five months long, sex very early and passionately, lots of traveling on trains (He lived in Boston and I in Rhode Island), he was biracial and preferred to surround himself with whiteness, I am black and very active in incorporating POC into my life. Although I realized that monogamy and heterosexuality wasn’t working for me, I stayed loyal, refusing to give up cuz I’m just stubborn like that. He cheated, leaving me with no alternative but to end things. I don’t think of him often, but when I do, I send loving thoughts and peace in his direction and keep it moving.

While going through the break-up process I began thinking about loneliness. A big part of me believes loneliness to be a very real social construct. Is that a contradiction? Yep. Am I gonna take it back? Nope. Here’s why. (btw, I use “I” a lot, not because I’m super selfish but because the tendency of human beings to co-opt another person’s experience and generalize is not something I am cool with. Therefore, speaking from I.) I can be lonely whether or not someone is sitting in my room with me or taking up space in my life. It actually isn’t at all about them. It is about me, not having something that I need but that only I can give to me. Meanwhile, society makes me think that if I just have a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” or “job” or “child” or “money” that suddenly that loneliness disappears, and like nah brah. I realize that for many people, it’s not me they really want. I’m just a cure for lonely, another they don’t plan on catching after throwing. I heard a quote by Bob Marley once that basically said (forgive me for paraphrasing) the person who awakens a womans’ love with no plan for actually loving her is an asshole. I agree. Why fall in love, embrace this other persons’ energy and being, only to walk away after like a few months? But do people go into situations like “Ima fuck this shit up, but oh well?” I don’t. But I’m also super picky about who gets entry passed my walls of stone.

Life for me is just about trying, failing, picking myself up, learning from the fail, maybe apologizing, maybe just walking away and continuing to live. It isn’t over, I’m not dead, so obviously I still have work to do. What is it that we human beings deserve? If I fucked up, do I deserve to be punished? Is the punishment the continual fuck up if I keep going down the same road? Sometimes I think, the people who are the most interesting and have the closest spaces in my heart aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination. They’re just doing the work to figure it out. I spend a lot of time fixing my heart, collecting my peace of mind and moving forward. So maybe I just deserve some time. Truth is, besides honesty and love, I dunno what I deserve and I only say I deserve those two because I think I try my hardest to give them. So maybe that’s it. I deserve what I give. I’m koo wit it.

 

Peace, love & survival of snow

 

Cathy Xo

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